Hope for the Hopeless
by AstonSilver
Summary: No one is more pressured than Merlin. And no one has ever been stronger than him. So when he starts acting strange, what are the others to do? Let him be consumed, or try their hardest to save him? Features some minor bits of Dark!Merlin. Worried!Arthur and Knights, Good!Mordred.
**AN: I would apologize for what I'm about to do, but...I don't quite know how.**

 **Enjoy**

* * *

Something had changed since Mordred had become a Knight.

Everyone noticed it. Merlin wasn't himself, he was...cold towards them. And no matter how they tried to reach out, they couldn't seem to get through to their friend.

It was worrying. But what bothered the Knights the most is that Arthur _didn't notice_ the sudden change in his servant, his closest friend.

Mordred had noticed, and he shared his worry with the other Knights, though he wasn't sure why it worried him so.

"What on earth could have happened to cause this?" Leon asked. "I've known Merlin since his first week of service to Arthur, he's never once been like this. Even though he's had cause to treat everyone so coldly throughout his time here in Camelot, he's always treated us with an unusual amount of kindness and loyalty. For him to brush us off so suddenly..."

Gwaine was frowning at the space in front of him. "So what do we know?" he finally said, looking at the others. "We all know some sort of secret of his, perhaps it's something to do with one of those?"

But no one felt right revealing anything about the warlock, even in confidence to the other Knights.

Mordred's eyes lit up in understanding though. "It must be hard.." he murmured.

"What was that?" Gwaine asked, his eyes locking on the young Druid.

Mordred looked up and hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "We can all agree that Merlin isn't as...frail as he seems?"

A few nods greeted this and Mordred continued, his eyes trailing away from them. "Then it must be hard for him to do so much for nothing more than insults as repayment for his help," he commented.

"Not even close,"

The servant's voice had effectively startled the group.

Mordred brought his eyes to meet Merlin's to see a terrifyingly blank expression greeting him, no small amount of darkness lying within the blue depths of the man who had been the topic of discussion mere seconds before.

"Merlin...?" Percival asked warily, put on the offensive by the strange air around his friend.

Merlin met and held his gaze for a moment before a empty smile showed up. "Yes?"

"What have they done to you?" Mordred asked, his eyes showing nothing but pure concern.

Merlin's eyes flickered as they locked on Mordred. "What has who done to me?" he countered, voice filled with a strange lilt that Mordred immediately knew spelled danger should he not treat carefully.

Mordred motioned for the others to go, and though they hesitated, they did.

All the while, Merlin watched absently, and it let Mordred know he hadn't wished them any harm.

Once their footsteps had faded, the Druid spoke again. "Please, Emrys, allow me to help you." he said, his tone steady, though his eyes betrayed him.

"You can't,"

And just like that, the feeling of dread fell over Mordred. "Who did this to you?"

Merlin gave another hollow, meaningless smile, and Mordred decided he hated that look on the warlock. "Don't you see, Mordred? I've always been this way. It's just now people are choosing to see it,"

"No...no, you haven't." Mordred said after a moment. "When we first met, you were nothing like this. You were happy,"

A heavy silence fell between them, and Mordred found himself counting his blessings when Merlin just walked away.

* * *

Over the next several weeks, they noticed Merlin warring with himself often times. And eventually, even Arthur noticed the strange behavior.

"Honestly, I thought he was just ill," Arthur remarked to his Knights one day at a training while Merlin was off gathering herbs for Gauis. "He was being more...efficient than normal, maybe not smiling as much, but..this is just ridiculous."

Mordred hadn't shared any details on what had happened.

But the others could tell that whatever it was, it had the newest Knight _terrified_. No one could tell whether it was for or of Merlin, though. And none of them had it in them to ask.

Merlin came through not long after, throwing them one of his normal smiles, but Mordred could see the emptiness in his eyes.

It didn't escape anyone's notice that Mordred lowered his head as the servant passed.

"Mordred?"

The Druid looked over to Leon in question.

Leon gave him a faint smile. "It's okay. We'll get him back to himself," he promised.

 _I'm afraid we may not be able to reach him for that to happen,_ Mordred thought, but only gave a weak smile and nod in response.

* * *

And so, it was nearly a month later that Merlin found himself being cornered by Gwaine and Percival.

"Can I help you?" Merlin asked warily, eyeing the two Knights in front of him.

Gwaine stared at him. "You aren't yourself," he said, voice low and unhappy. "This, Merlin, isn't you. This isn't one of my best friends, and I want him back,"

Merlin swallowed as he met Gwaine's eyes. "I'm still him," he offered. "There's some things better not known, Gwaine, and this...? This is because of one of those things,"

Gwaine sighed, looking away before he shook his head. "Right. Okay," he said, his eyes dark when he looked back at the warlock. "At any rate, we've a surprise for you, and you're coming with us whether you like it or not,"

Merlin didn't fight as the two Knights grabbed him. He didn't blame them their force on him.

But as he was pushed forward at the training grounds and landed on his knees, he decided that someone was going to end up hurt.

He looked up to glare at the people around him only to see his mother standing with the other Knights. His gaze froze on her, shock filling his eyes.

"Oh, my son, what have you become...?" Hunith murmured as she took a step forward, kneeling in front of her son and letting a hand rest on his cheek.

Mordred stood back, watching blankly.

"Mother? What are you doing here?"

Hunith graced him with a warm smile. "Arthur came to collect me, said you needed me," she said softly.

Merlin didn't respond as he found himself wrapped in a hug. Instead, he lowered his head and returned the hug, though uncertain.

Mordred's voice echoed in his mind. " _I know you aren't the monster you're pretending to be, Emrys."_

Merlin's eyes flashed open and he reeled back, looking at Mordred warily.

Either no one noticed or they didn't care, because no one mentioned it.

The Druid took a wary step forward as Hunith stood. He held a hand out to the warlock that was sitting on the ground. "Let us help you," he said quietly.

Merlin stared at the hand in front of him before he raised his eyes to meet Mordred's, a cold smile showing up. "And why would I accept help from any of you?"

Mordred held his hand steady, tilting his chin up a bit in response. "Because you're our friend," he said stubbornly, a hard light coming into his eyes. "Let us help you, because this? This isn't you."

Merlin's eyes flickered between the Druid's outstretched hand and his eyes before he tilted his head down, taking the hand up.

"You're no monster, Emrys, do not act like one," Mordred whispered to the warlock when he pulled him up before releasing him.

Merlin watched as he backed away before a low chuckle escaped him. "And how would you know that, Mordred?" he questioned, not caring that no one else had heard what Mordred told him.

Mordred looked down before he glanced back at the other Knights and the King. "Because," he said, looking back to Merlin. "If you were such a monster, then we'd all be dead where we stand instead of holding this conversation,"

* * *

" _You're no monster" ... "We'd all be dead where we stand" ... "Let us help you."  
_

Merlin lay awake late into the night, Mordred's words echoing in his mind.

How could they not see what he'd become? How could they so naively believe that he wasn't a monster? He'd brought more death and destruction upon Camelot than anyone, yet they held so tightly to the idea that he wasn't a monster.

And that's what he was. A monster. What else could kill so many innocents for the sake of one man?

* * *

The following morning, Mordred found himself being pulled aside by the warlock.

"Merlin?"

Merlin looked anywhere but Mordred for a long while before meeting his eyes. "You're wrong,"

Mordred gave him a concerned look. "Excuse me..?"

"I am a monster," Merlin said, looking pained.

Before Mordred could argue with him, the Druid found himself being pressed against a wall, a severity in Merlin's eyes that scared him more than any sort of real power could.

"I am. You may believe in the good, but I'm not good, Mordred. I have forsaken the light too many times to be good anymore," Merlin said, his voice pleading. "And you mustn't tell _anyone_ of this. If Arthur were to learn of all I've done, he'd have me killed. And my job here isn't done,"

Mordred stared, speechless, at Merlin before he nodded. "Your secret is safe with me," he promised. "Just...promise you'll talk to me should you need it?"

"I cannot. It's my burden to bare alone."

And he was gone before Mordred could fight.

* * *

"Are you quite alright, Sir Mordred? You seem distracted today," Arthur said as they sparred.

Mordred nodded, feeling Merlin's eyes on him. "Just fine, my lord. I didn't sleep well is all,"

Merlin felt a smile show up at the young Knight's lie and he turned, walking away to return to his chores.

Arthur watched him leave, waiting until he was sure that his servant was gone before he spoke again. "Tell me the truth,"

Mordred looked down. "I cannot,"

Arthur stopped everyone else, and Mordred found all the attention on him. "Mordred,"

"I cannot tell you, Arthur," Mordred said, his voice harder than he'd expected it to get. "I gave my word that I'd hold my tongue, and I highly doubt you'd have me betray someone's trust,"

Arthur nodded. "You're right," he admitted.

Gwaine scowled, but spoke. "Is it worrying?"

"I...am not sure," Mordred said.

* * *

"He's changed too much," Hunith admitted to the Knights later that evening. "Even I can't reach him where he is now,"

Arthur nodded. "That's what I was afraid of," he mumbled.

" _What are they saying?"_

Mordred barely contained his surprise at hearing the warlock's voice in his mind. But he only bit down on the inside of his lip as he responded in kind. " _They're discussing you. Your mother is worried that you're too far gone,"_

Hunith's gaze suddenly went to Mordred. "You'll keep an eye on him, won't you?"

"Of course," Mordred said immediately with a pleasant smile. "You've my word,"

Hunith smiled at him, just as Merlin's voice sounded again.

" _Then how long until all of you give in and let me be?"_

Mordred's expression went dark then, and he answered, ignoring the looks he got for the expression. " _Never, Emrys."_

"What is it?" Arthur asked warily.

Silence reigned for a moment before Mordred spoke to them aloud. "What if he's only waiting for us to give up on him?"

"Then he will be highly disappointed," Gwaine said with an easy grin.

No response came, but the anger Mordred could feel through their link _hurt_.

* * *

"Honestly, to think that you're so stubborn.." Merlin remarked absently as he walked with Mordred, smiling when the Druid jumped. "You should just give up, save yourselves the trouble,"

"Tis no trouble," Mordred countered, throwing a sideways look to see a dark smile grace Merlin's features.

"I'd hoped you would say such a thing,"

And without further warning, an alarming pain flared up around Mordred's throat and the Druid found himself on his knees in front of the warlock. He barely was able to meet his eyes to see the gold traces in the blue.

Merlin gave an easy smile, like he was ever famous for around Camelot. "I'm tired of waiting, Mordred," he said softly. "Tired of hiding. So, how about we give the King a show?"

As the blackness started taking over his vision, Mordred gasped out one sentence: "Please don't betray me, Emrys,"

Merlin stared down at the limp body of the Knight, releasing his power's hold from him before he tilted his head and knelt beside him, checking his vitals easily.

The pulse was there, weak, but steady. He smiled faintly.

* * *

When Mordred came to, he was in Gauis' chambers.

"What...?"

Merlin gave him an easy smile. "Sorry, Mordred," he offered, his eyes telling a different story than the one his lips were about to. "I found you in the halls, unconscious, and brought you here. The King was so worried for you that he even allowed me to fix you,"

"To...fix me?" Mordred asked, his throat raw and painful.

Merlin handed him a cup of water with an understanding smile, no darkness hiding in his expression. "I told him of my magic,"

Mordred nearly spat out the water in his mouth in surprise. "And...?"

"He wasn't happy I'd lied to him all this time, but...he's accepted it. He was actually discussing repealing the ban on magic with Gwen last week, apparently. Surprised me, for sure," Merlin admitted.

Mordred held Merlin's gaze. "Why'd you...?"

Merlin nodded, looking down. "I couldn't have you getting in my way, could I?"

Mordred didn't answer, feeling the weight of everything fall upon him once more. He gave a world-weary sigh, and Merlin mumbled the two words he needed to hear. "Rest now,"

Once Mordred had drifted off, Merlin shook his head.

"How is he?"

Merlin looked over to find Gwaine standing in the doorway. "He will be fine,"

Gwaine met Merlin's gaze before he shook his head. "I always knew there was something different about you,"

No response came.

* * *

As time passed, Merlin slowly drifted back and forth between the two sides of himself.

And each time the darkness threatened to consume him, Mordred would speak through their mental link, always a simple phrase to give him hope when none was in sight.

" _You aren't the monster you fear, Emrys. Take a look around at all the love you have,"_

And it was simple as that. Just a simple statement could do so much, and Merlin had to admit that it was surprising to him how much faith Mordred possessed in him.

Most people would have given up a long time ago.

But not Mordred. Or any of the Knights.

Merlin felt he could content himself with that.

* * *

 **And done. My hand is actually cramping from typing now, so I'll be off to do something else now.  
**

 **-Sky.**


End file.
